Oh, dearie me, what’s going on?

I parked my car here, now it’s gone!

I left it in this quiet street,

While I pursued new fitted sheets.

I’m most distressed, my car is new,

This really sucks very beaucoup!

I asked a lady selling bras

If she’d seen men kidnap my car.

She said, “Madame, I saw notheeng,

But maybe give the police a reeng.”

I called the cops, they sent two dudes

Starsky and Hutch but really rude.

“Madame,” they said, “with due respect,

Your memory is quite suspect.

Elderly women are renown

For losing cars all over town.

Now please sit down and have a think.

Why not consider fifty winks?”

Can you believe such insolence?

I called my husband, most incensed.

Hubby arrived, screeched to stop,

And the cops fined him fifty bob!

“You mustn’t speed, old man,” they said,

“Have you been drinking? Take this test.”

They made him blow into a tube,

They really were obnoxious dudes.

Sadly, my husband had downed some wine,

The test was positive, fuck my life!

“You’ll have to drive your old man home,

Old lady,” grinned those evil gnomes.

My problems now veered out of control,

I couldn’t drive my husband home!

His Porsche, you see, is a stick shift,

Not automatic, holy shit!

I stood my ground, I told those creeps

That some asshole had my Mini.

Just then my husband intervened,

“My love,” he said, “lets reconvene.

Let’s take a walk, let’s take deep breaths,

Because if we don’t, we’ll face arrest.”

So off we went, we left them there,

Watching the Porsche with envious glares.

And around the corner, oh goodness me,

What did we see? Yes, my Mini!

I felt so daft, I could have died,

Instead, I immediately told a lie.

“Who moved my car? Who played this trick?

Whoever did this is a dick!”

My husband laughed, he said “My dear,

Don’t pull the wool over my ears.”

So, we went back and told the police,

There’d been a mix-up, no big deal.

They parked the Porsche in a tight space,

Such petty show-offs, a disgrace!

We pootled home in my Mini,

And inaugurated our new sheets!

For B! This was a lot of fun!