I recently started seeing a new doctor. Actually, he’s more than a doctor; he’s a retired professor of toxicology from a university hospital here in Switzerland, and works one day a week at the acupuncture clinic where I seem to spend half my life. Or have spent half my life, because I’ve recently hit some sort of acupuncture brick wall, and those magic needles are no longer having an effect on my IBD problems.

 Nevertheless, my lovely Chinese acupuncturist told me about this professor, and said it might be a good idea for me to see him and to discuss my range of symptoms. Because, so far, whenever I’ve spoken to my other doctors about my intestinal issues coupled with joint pain, extreme fatigue, aching bones, disrupted sleep, ankle cramps, an adversity to any sort of tight clothing, and a total lack of interest in food, I’m just met by a disconcerting, blank stare.

 So I went ahead and had a session with the professor who spent close to an hour with me (good!), did some basic examinations (also good!), and I felt like he actually listened. He proposed a full blood panel, which I agreed was a good idea.

 I saw him again two weeks later (it was supposed to be after one week, but he had Covid) to discuss my results. My blood is all hunky-dory, which is good news. Nevertheless, what about my symptoms?

 Cue the usual helpless stare.

 Then came the kicker.

 “You know, Madame,” he said. “You only have Microscopic Colitis. It’s very, very small.”

 It was my turn to stare at him. What the actual heck?

 Maybe he’d like to live with a very very small colitis for a while, and see how he likes not being able to leave the house for days on end, and – even when the D calms down – worrying about going anywhere in case his microscopic enemy decides to have a goofy old gurgle and go absolutely berserk out of the bloody blue!

 Bacteria are very small. So are viruses. And amoeba. And, yeah, mitochondria, too. (showing off memories of my high-school biology).

 Of course, I didn’t remind him of high school biology, or put the longer question to him, which I regretted as soon as I left the building, because isn’t that always the way? It is with me.

 I get that he’s not a gastroenterologist. I know he’s just a human, and that even if he’s a doctor/professor, he can’t know everything. And maybe he had brain fog from Covid, and who know, maybe he banged his head repeatedly on his desk the second I walked out of his office, feeling like a mega moron. In which case he should have come after me and said oops. And I’d have been ok with it.

But no.

 To add to that disastrous day with doctors, later on I had an appointment with the orthopaedic department at Geneva hospital concerning my hip and knee pain. I was seen by an intern who was approximately twelve and a half years old. His stethoscope was far too long and tripped him up (just kidding). Admin had failed to take my knee problem into account when they made the appointment, and this slightly bashful child hadn’t a clue about knees, but he obliged and poked at it for a bit. Which was nice, because he was cute, in a shy little boy sort of way with his dark floppy hair. And then he poked my hips a bit and shrugged and sent me on my grumpy way (although I smiled at him when I left. I’m nice). And then, oh yeah, some twit had forgotten to pay for his parking ticket when he got to the barrier, so I sat there behind him for about three days.

 Pfff!

 I stopped to do the shopping on the way home, and bought four pains au chocolat out of sheer frustration. Bear in mind that I have not touched a pain au chocolat in two years because of IBD, so it wasn’t the smartest move. But there you go. I only meant to eat one, but it was DELICIOUS, and so I thought eating a second one wouldn’t change much, because if I got sick, well I’d get sick from eating just the one, anyway, so I ate another.

 Well, I got VERY sick. Microscopic my ass!

 Later that night, I wrote a Haiku.

 COLOSSAL COLITIS

Microscopic, yes.

But with colossal effects.

Do not poo-poo this!

I’m calling it Colossal Colitis from now on.

 So there.